Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Randomize
