I skipped work to stalk him.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Randomize
