Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
