Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
