Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize