My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
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