guys are only as good as the porn they watch
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
