Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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