I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize