If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
She has the best kind of daddy issues
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
