I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Randomize
