I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
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