party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
We just shotgunned beers for America
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
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