Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Sorry about my life...
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
