chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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