I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Randomize
