I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
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