Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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