Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
