He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Randomize
