you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize