I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
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