Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
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