I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
no it's cool...i'm just drinking and studying...cool night
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Randomize
