You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize