i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
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