She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
you will always have a special place in my vag
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
