I didn't shave. On purpose
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
Slut skills are useful in every country.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
