Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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