Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
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