God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
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