Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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