you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Who put my cat in the fridge?
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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