??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Randomize
