I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Randomize
