I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
