She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
