I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize