i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize
