So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
