Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
You took a bar mat shot.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
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