i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Randomize
