Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
