JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
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