Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Randomize
