You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
