So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
