just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
Randomize
