why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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