well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Randomize
