sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize