Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
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