i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
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