Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
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