I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
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