Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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