I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
This gyro tastes like lonliness
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
