You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
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