I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
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