if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
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