maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
