having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Randomize
