I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
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