my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
