If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
