Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize