I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
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