he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
My breasts were aching with rage.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
